Late Night = Bad Tomorrow

It is now officially 2 in the morning on the 4th of July.  

Seriously, What am I thinking?  Why did I stay up this late again?  My girls will be up and raring to go at 6:30, 7:30 if I'm lucky.  Sunday is Mr. C's only day to sleep in, so I will the be the one getting up to get breakfast for Tee and Moo.  I'll set their bowls down in front of the TV in the living room and crash onto the couch while they watch Dora or Calliou OnDemand!

We will be skipping church tomorrow again (2nd week in a row.)  It's mainly because of me not sleeping.  It's partially because of the fact that today is a Holiday.  And it's minutely because of the fact that we'll be driving 45 minutes to visit my parents after lunch.  If it was any one of those excuses reasons alone, we'd probably still go.  But regardless, we will not be going.  And I will feel guilty.

Later today, probably while visiting my parents, my body will ache for a nap.  It will cry out with numerous yawns and watery eyes that it needs rest.  And I will want to give in.  But I will fight it.  Because if I give in, I'll feel guilty for 1. Not spending more time with my family, 2. Feeling like I'm burdening my family with the care of my children while I sleep, 3. Knowing my husband hates when I take naps at my parents house cause I do it every visit, and 4. I usually feel worse after naps anyways.  As far as that last one goes... maybe there's something wrong with me.  Maybe I need to learn how to nap better.

If I do nap, then yet again I will end up staying up late tonight.  It's a vicious cycle and one that's very hard for me to break.

Staying up late always leads me to a bad tomorrow.  Tee and Moo usually punish me for late nights by creating surprises for me while I crash on the couch during TV time.  I have found all sorts of things, from face paint on the walls, to an entire bottle of comet (the dry powder kind) poured out on my kitchen floor.  One small blessing about this particular instance is that Mr. C will be home to help some.  

I just really don't understand why I always do this to myself when I know I'll have a hard time the next day.  Is the quiet really worth it?  Does this alone time really help me at all?  

I think I need a change to this awful habit.  I think I need to go to bed EARLIER, and wake up EARLIER.  Get my quiet time in BEFORE the girls are up, not after they're down.  This is much easier said than done.  But I think I'll give it a try.  Not today though, of course.  Today, I'm praying the girls will sleep in a bit so I can also.  Then I'll resist the urge to nap with all my might, and try to get to bed early.  Then Monday morning will be my first early bird morning.  

Wonder what kinds of worms I'll find.

Shoulda, coulda, woulda

I think this all the time. What I should have done, if only ... What I could have done, if only ... What I would have done, if only...

It's not good for me in so many ways. It only creates guilt and worry. After months of fighting with depression, I recieved from advice. It is essentially this...

I have a steering wheel. I control the things I do and say. I can decide to be lazy when I don't feel well, or I can choose to get up and be proactive. I can decide to get upset over something someone else did, or I can choose to ignore it. I cannot control what anyone else does or says, because they are in charge of their own steering wheel.

It may seem silly, but it has relieved so much of my worry and guilt. It has empowered me to get off my rump when I don't feel like doing something that I WANT to do, and just do it. (Does that ever happen to anyone else?) Then I'm not thinking I should have done this... because I got off my lazy bum and did it! It has helped me to be more honest with myself and those around me about my feelings. It's helped me figure out who I am... (more to come on that later!)

Anyways - blogging on here was something I've been putting off. Mainly because there were other things I wanted to post about, and haven't just sat down to do it. So here's me... using my steering wheel. I wanted to blog. So I did. Now I'm off to cook some lunch, lay the girls down for a nap, then finish my spring cleaning week that started almost 2 weeks ago. :) Thank you steering wheel!